Having strength

When I was going through cancer I was told countless times that I was strong. I wasn't strong I simply had no choice. Or was I considered strong because I chose to have the treatment offered or was I strong because I chose to get out of bed each day and get dressed and put … Continue reading Having strength →

To be born and to die are the only two certainties in life. However; how often do we think about death? I never did and I wonder if this is why I find it so hard to process? Grief is different as I do not need to process ‘it’, as ‘it’ is a process I *have* to go through. I have read and listened to blogs about grief and have come to understand that no one has a monopoly on it. In one of my Breast Cancer blogs I wrote about mourning my breasts; little did I think only months later I would be grieving and mourning again. The grief I felt then was real and caused me momentarily real anguish. A break up or divorce causes grief. The children of divorced parents grieve. The death of a pet can cause anguish and grief. The grief felt is no better or worse for each individual. Grief is grief. When my Father died very suddenly at the age of 57, I became bitter when I looked at much older people – why not them why my Dad? Weirdly this time I am much more compassionate towards everyone. At the moment I feel incredibly grateful for what I had and still have. I feel sad for people in unhappy marriages and sad for older couples because I know that one day they will experience the raw grief that I am feeling. Apparently there are four types of tears. “Tears of grief, change, onion and laughing. Our tears have a different structure deleting which emotion causes you to shed them. Emotions are chemical levels in your brain and your body is constantly trying to maintain equilibrium so if one emotion sky rockets, that chemical becomes flagged and signals the tear duct to open as an exit to release that emotion packaged neatly within a tear. That is why we feel more stable after crying. I do not want to write about my own grief – perhaps one day I will but for the moment it is too personal to share. Suffice to say it is a minute by minute struggle.

Seven years ago today I woke up and found a lump in my right breast. I wrote the following yesterday however after having had a fun filled evening and seeing everyone’s positive posts this morning welcoming 2019 in I nearly deleted it. Then I realised I was doing what I do best and that is shoving things away as not being good enough or being too negative. However the reality is : Always looking over my shoulder Cancer is indiscriminate and insidious. It develops slowly and silently. It shows no signs of a beginning or end. It causes anxiety, fear and rage; and yet can be the making or breaking of a person. It brings families together or tears them apart. It highlights the real friends and false friends and is a platform for making for making new and very special friends. Cancer makes one vulnerable and yet strong. It can make you cry and laugh quite often at the same time. A morbid sense of humor develops which only your fellow cancer sufferer will understand. An appreciation for life becomes a necessary adjunct as does accepting the need to look over your shoulder just in case that indiscriminate insidious tumor that eventually made itself known before has yet again chosen youn