Appearances are deceiving

This is a 2 part blog about my life at the moment which is on the one hand being there for my daughter and grandson and on the other dealing with my grief.

I have often thought prior to even having breast cancer that just because someone looks happy it does not necessarily mean they are.

I posted a photo of my grandchildren without much of an explanation and assumed wrongly that despite the smiles people would understand. The reality behind my daughters smile is she/I/her father in law were all hoping that when Theo saw his siblings for the first time in 8 weeks that he would smile and enjoy the visit. We all laughed because Theo used his right hand holding the pizza to push the cheese puff from his left hand into his mouth however the reality was he ate nothing that day other than a few cheese puffs and a bit of weetabix and did not smile.

Claudia is too young to fully understand what is happening to her baby brother and yet sensitive, bright and astute enough to notice all the sick children on the ward. Her mummy only gets to tuck her in to bed a couple of times a week and so behind her bright smile is no doubt an anxious little girl.

People assume I am sad and they are right – life and living is overwhelming and if I’m honest sometimes shit and sometimes joyful.

The lead up to Christmas is hard. Decorating the tree was hard. Writing gift tags with only love from Mum or Granny was hard.

Shopping and bumping into someone asking after Julian was hard.

Well meaning friends asking if I am attending a carol service that I went to with Julian for the last 20 years.

Where have I found joy and gratefulness in the last few months? From the friends who sometimes last minute have offered to have Luna. From the friends who have been aware that I’m coming home late from the hospital to an empty house and offering to come over for a cup of tea. From the unexpected gifts be they small or large. From the friend who despite his incredibly busy life gave up some of free time to fix a couple of things for me.

Today is a joyful/sad day as I will have nearly all my grandchildren here some whom I haven’t seen since the funeral. The grandad who teased them and usually found himself funnier than they found him will be missing as will Theo.

Christmas Day will be hard for all of us however I feel blessed that God willing we will be having lunch all together in the hospital with Emily and her beautiful little family. We won’t need to keep an empty chair for Julian and we won’t need reminding that he is missing as we carry the love he had for each of us in our hearts and that is enough.